Imagine Beating On Your Face
by Kodo Ibayo
Summary: (Kodo's one and only fanfic) A snake demon, a dog demon, a cactus demon... what the...? Cactus demon? That's stupid! (is smacked in the head) I mean... oh no! Will Sanzo and the others make it? Read and find out!
1. Beating On Your Face

"Kodo-oooooooooneesamaaaaaaaaaaaa..."

"What?"

"I is hungry-YATTE!" A loud smack was heard and Telope began to cry again.  
  
"I KNOW you're friggin' hungry!!!" Kodo screamed hoarsely, holding her paper fan aloft. It had proven VERY useful on this particular trip.  
  
"Why does you always hits me, you baka!?" Telope sniffed indignantly.

"Why do you always complain? I know you're hungry! I can't do a GOD damn thing about it, so shut the hell up!" Kodo growled menacingly, but Telope only rolled her eyes. In spite of the frequent beatings she never thought of Kodo as a threat. If Kodo said "Jump!", Telope said "Up your ass...". Then Kodo would slaughter her with a machete. But Telope was always able to come back, because she was the Kiba... which has little or nothing to do with this story.

Indeed, it had been almost two weeks since they had wandered ignorantly into nature's asshole, a.k.a., the desert. And -if Kodo's calculations were correct- they were completely lost. Unfortunate, huh? Little shits... ahem... Lovely demonesses!

Telope was the youngest of the two, a 26-year-old (though she acted like a child) dog demon with unnaturally long silver hair. Of course, most things about demons may seem unnatural to you and me, but even for a demon, her hair was ridiculous. The greatest contributing factor being that every time she tried to cut it, it would grow back even longer! Ooh, ahh, ect. She was about 5' 8", yellow eyes, doggy ears... pretty familiar look to fans of a certain hanyou who must not be named. But she dressed rather differently, e.g., short skirt, sleevless halter top, main colors being red and black. On her cheeks were two red wavey marks, proving her as the Kiba.

Kodo was her ex-half-sister-in-law (meaning that her half-sister was once married to Telope's husband's half-brother at one time), but usually they only reffered to each other as sisters. Kodo was the oldest (duh) being 573-years-old. A snake demon with longish red and blonde hair (which she always wore in a ponytail), Kodo looked no older than Telope due to the wonderful excuse of demon aging. She was about 5' 5" and her eyes were sort of gradient red to gold. She wore a dark red chinese-style button sleeveless shirt, a long black skirt with gold Thai embroidery, and big black boots.

Needless to say, the two were uncomfortable.

"Kodo-oneesama..." Telope was panting, her dog side showing through yet again. Kodo turned her head to look at her shrewdly.

"... you're hungry." She stated. Telope stared at her amazedly.

"How did you..." she stopped short, her ears swivelling about on top of her head, listening carefully. "Does you sees anything?" Kodo shook her head.

"Telope, I can't sense a damn thing with all this heat spread out everywhere!" But then she heard it as well. A dull mechanical putter, something grinding on the sand and... voices. Just as Kodo heard the sound, Telope's expression changed. She shut her eyes tight and grinned broadly. She started to run towards the sound, trying to stifle her laughter.

"They sounds just like us!" She cried delightedly.

"Huh...?" Kodo followed after her, thoroughly confused and straining to hear what the people were saying.

'shut the hell up that's mine get offa me i'm gonna kill you you stupid fuc-' Kodo heard distant yells and couldn't help but laugh. Is that what Telope thought they sounded like? Ha!

"HEY! TELOPE GET YOUR GIPPY ASS BACK HERE!! DON'T MAKE ME CHOP OFF YOUR GOD DAMN LEGS!!!" She screamed as she followed Telope in the chase of the distant jeep.

It was a long dash but she finally caught up. Kodo stopped running and looked around. Now where did that darn jeep go...? More importantly, where the hell was Telope?! A few lines of buildings centered around a well, a tree or two, and some random gardens. What a city. Kodo sighed and wondered how the HELL she could lose Telope in a town where both sides of the sign said "Welcome to Town!".

"Telopeee...? Where'dya gooo?" she called walking near to the center of the village. Gunshots rang nearby. "Well, I guess that's what I get for asking..." Blood suddenly sprayed out of the door of the tavern directly next to Kodo. "... shit..."

"DEMONS! THEY'RE DEMONS!" a man screamed as he dashed outside, pushing past Kodo. She sighed in frustration and was just about to run inside when the fight came to her. A boy with brown hair and yellow eyes was thrown at her and she fell backward in surprise. She quickly pushed him off, muttering curses as the boy quickly decided to fight her as well.

"Who the hell are you, kid?" Kodo asked offhandedly as she dodged a swing from his staff. He grinned and was just about to swing at her again when he was bludgeoned into the ground by none other than Telope with her usual, "Happy, Smile, Hello!" style.

"Kodo!" She exclaimed with pure delight, landing gracefully on the boy's back. Kodo stared at her for a moment, then shook herself inwardly, deciding it best to just nod and smile. _Just nod and smile... _

Just then he caught his second wind, lifting his head off of the ground, he spit the dirt out of his mouth, smiling almost as happily as Telope.

"Ah... Yes... you... are... AWESOME!!" He cried, jumping up from under Telope's feet to stand next to her. "What did you say you're name was?!"

"T-E-L, O-P-E! This is Telope's song! But everybody just calls me Tel-chan, or T-chan, or Telo-chan, or Telope-o-chan, or..." Telope went on and on and inevitably confused the boy as was her wont. But apparently the boy was familiar with Kodo's policy as he smiled and nodded along.

"And... what's you're name?" Kodo asked him.

"Goku. Time to leave." A cold male voice came from the doorway of the tavern. He was tall with longish blond hair and blue eyes. A human, Kodo noted.

"Oh great... a monk..." Kodo mumbled. "I bet you would like nothing more than to slay us, no?"

"Who, Sanzo??" Goku exclaimed, as if it were the most ridiculous thing in the world.

"Yeah, we're not some 'champions of justice' or anything." Another man came outside. He had red hair and red eyes. Goku rolled his eyes.

"Why do you say that all the time, Gojyo? The Sailor Moon reference was only funny once!"

"Hey, why don't you just shut you're stupid monkey face! You wouldn't know humor if it came up and started picking your nose!" He picked Goku up by the shirt.  
  
"GOD! THE MONKEY THING IS SO OLD! DAY IN, DAY OUT! 'STUPID MONKEY!', 'CHIBI CHIMP'! SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!" But before the arguement could escalate into a full-blown brawl, there came 'divine' intervention.

"Shut." BAM! "The." BAM! "Hell." BAM! "Up!!!" BAM! Sanzo obviously didn't hesitate to use fire arms... Of course, every shot only grazed the two, but that was good enough for Kodo.

"I IDOLIZE this man!" Kodo exclaimed. She received more than a few strange looks from the Sanzo party. Telope hopped onto her shoulders.

"Sees?! This is what me means!"


	2. Stalkin' Stalkers

Two women's voices could be heard even over the din of the sand blowing all about them. One might wonder if they might've been trying to whisper or if they were just goofing off... _maybe they're retarded... I wouldn't doubt it... _Sanzo thought.

"Sh sh sh! Duck!"

"They does no even realise we here!"

Finally Sanzo lost it. This had been going on for hours, ever since they had left the tiny village. The desert had become too sandy to drive over. "Would you two stop following us?! We know your frickin there!"

"No you don't..." Kodo stared at him, slightly crouched about 10 meters behind the group. Sanzo clenched his jaw and gave her a death glare.

"C'mon Sanzo!" Goku piped in. "Maybe they could be useful...?" Gojyo smirked and looked Telope up and down.

"I'm sure..." he muttered. Telope's eyes widened with fright.

"K... k-kodo... oneesama...?" She said on the verge of tears.

"Don't even think about it." Kodo said as she stepped in front of Telope, her voice low. Despite the physical abuse that she herself frequently dealt to Telope, she would never let another person harm her.

"I think it might be too late for that!" Hakkai said to himself. Kodo's eyes narrowed in a death glare that might've rivaled Sanzo's... except that Kodo isn't enough of a piss head the rest of the time for it to be truly effective.

"So why are you guys following us like this, anyway?" Hakkai smiled uneasily, trying to break the tension.

"We is stalking you!" Telope cried. It worked.

"So really it comes down to a question of... 'Would you rather have a companion or a stalker that watches you while you sleep?'" Kodo smiled; body-guard mode discarded.

"Just leave us alone! I'm not gonna be responsible for 'saving you' or any of that crap! We don't need you two around getting in the way!" Sanzo snarled.

"We won't get in way! We promises!" Telope gave him the sappiest 'puppy-dog' eyes she could make. Gojyo purposely gave Kodo a crude look just piss her off. It worked.

"Ok, that's it!" Kodo snapped, cracking her knuckles and jumped at him. He blocked her claws with his staff. She swung her other hand at his head, but he stepped to the side. The force she had intended for his skull made her trip and run into Sanzo.

"Sanzo!" Goku shouted and swung his staff at Kodo's neck. She jumped out of the way and landed behind Goku, about to stab him with her claws when Hakkai sent a Ki wave at her.

"Goku!" Hakkai shouted.

"Telope!!!" Telope cried as she leapt into battle. About 200 flesh wounds, 3 lost limbs and a few hours later, they forgot why they were fighting. Kodo, who was lying on her back, propped herself up on her elbows.

"Does anybody know what happened to my hand?" She asked, staring at the bloody mass at the end of her elbow.

"Over here..." Goku said, holding up her forearm/hand. There was an uncomfortable silence, interrupted only by a few coughs and the sound of blood dripping onto the sand.

"I think they should come with us..." Gojyo finally said. Goku nodded.

"That's what I've BEEN saying! They kick enough ass that they wouldn't be left behind!" Goku was looking at Sanzo... just like everyone else.

"Why are you looking at me...?" He asked, knowing the answer, but it still made him uncomfortable.  
"Well...?" Hakkai asked. Sanzo shut his eyes.

"If you're all so insistant, I can't really stop you, can I? But remember- don't expect us to come rescue you two if you get into trouble. And none of that out of character romantic nonsense! This 'companionship' as you may put it is going to be nothing more than an ironically platonic thing. I don't wanna walk into a forest clearing and find someone making out or anything! Got that?" But no one had listened past the first sentence. Telope and Goku were dancing in a circle around Sanzo now, Telope leading in a song. Kodo slapped Sanzo on the back, smiling brightly at him.

"I wouldn't worry if I were you!" Sanzo gave her a questioning glance. "We're completely spoken for! So you won't catch anyone making out! ... Unless Gojyo is making out with some random skank... or one of you guys is gay...? Are you gay or do you just hate everybody? C'mon, tell me Sanzo! I'm just curious! ... Don't look at me like that! ... TELLS MEH!"


	3. Thorny Thorns

"We've been traveling with these weirdo strangers for almost three days now... I think I'm starting to regret my decision... maybe we can ditch them at the next town... but until then... I'm gonna keep clinging onto the jeep for dear life!" Kodo narrated to herself as if she were writing a mental journal.

"Is you hasing fun, Kodo-oneesama?" Telope asked over her shoulder. She was sitting in the back seat between Gojyo and Goku. And if you asked Kodo, she'd say Gojyo was getting a little too comfortable with Tel-chan... But Kodo was too busy with her own problems to do anything about it right now. There wasn't enough room in the jeep for her, so she was holding onto the spare tire, trying to put her feet on the bumper. Only, every time she got a foothold, the jeep would hit another bump, and she was scrambling to get her feet off the ground again.

"Gyah! Riiight...!" Kodo called back. Telope went back to chatting happily with Goku, Gojyo's arm moving ever closer to being draped around Telope's shoulders. Slowly... slowly... Tel-chan doesn't even notice. _She never does._ Kodo thought glaring angrily at Gojyo's arm.

For a split second Kodo thought that they had hit another bump... until the ground disappeared below her.

"WHAT THE HELL???" She shouted angrily at Hakkai as they plunged into a canyon.

"Oh my... seems we're going to crash!" Hakkai intelligently observed. "I didn't even see this canyon here! Whoops!"

"WHOOPS MY ASS!!!"

Kodo sat up quickly, shook her head, then woke up.

"Whoa... that was freaky..." She said to herself, looking around. The canyon was dark and shadowy, and she could see a door leading into the side of the cliff. She suddenly remembered what had happened. "Man, that was a long fall..." She muttered and stood up. _Seems I'm alone_.

She decided she might as well wander recklessly into the stone door. It was covered with strange symbols. She touched them lightly with her fingertips.

"I cannot read these symbols..." Kodo uttered in a mistical tone. "... Wait a minute... I can't read _any_ symbols! What the fuck am I talking about? Hahaha!" She gave the door a little shove, but it didn't budge. She kicked the door in as hard as she could, silently wondering why she only tried ideas once, but shook it off as she headed down the dark torch lit passage way. It was a winding hall that led steadily downward, with many offshoots and doors coming off of it.

"Oh, the torches on the walls don't even make a sound, even make a sound, even make a sound! The torches on the walls don't make any heat, they are really creepin' me out!" She began to sing obnoxiously to herself to the tune of "The Wheels on the Bus".

After about an hour of wandering, she got tired of singing and wondered where she was going, where the others were, and why she was so retarded.

"You're 573... you've been in all sorts of situations like this... and what do you do?" She sighed. "You do the most dumb ass thing you can think of, just because you've never done it before, knowing how foolish it is! GAH! NEVER LEAVE THE CRASH SITE!" She felt like kicking her own ass- which wasn't too abnormal- but not a healthy desire in situations like these.

Suddenly the main passage stopped. In front of Kodo were two large wooden doors. Kodo pressed her ear against the door, just in case she could find something out. No real noise... but she felt light footsteps, pacing back and forth as if waiting for something.

_Should I knock first? ... Not like whatever's in there won't find me eventually anyway... and I ain't goin' back! Besides... I wasn't the only one to leave! So crap on them!_ She flung open the doors and went in.

"T-tel-chan??" Kodo cried in surprise. Telope stood in the middle of the room, staring straight at Kodo. Her eyes looked glazed over and her jaw was slack... kind of how she looked when she watched TV. Behind her, lying on the ground, were Sanzo, Goku, Gojyo and Hakkai. "What's going on?"

Telope held a knife in her right hand.

"Must... staaab..." she droned. Kodo raised her eyebrows.

"I guess you're being possessed or something, huh?" She laughed. Telope lunged at her with the knife. She was sluggish and clumsy. _Soo... what do I gotta destroy to get her back...? Maybe it's a tree this time... man I hate trees..._

But there were no trees in the room, as Kodo noticed as she stepped out of the way of Telope's attacks. This was really ridiculous. Whoever was controlling Telope obviously didn't know how to control her. Just as she thought that, Kodo felt something pierce her back.

"Damn it!" She cried, pulling out the offending sharp instrument. It was a long narrow pole... sort of like a thorn. "What the hell?!" Just then she turned around and noticed something she had not seen before... sitting in a pot in the corner.

**_I am the great desert spirit! Fear me!_** A voice echoed in her head. Kodo couldn't help but burst into laughter.

"Haha! Anyone who says 'fear me!' can't much of a threat! heh...hahaha!!!" Kodo said, tossing the thorn aside. "I mean... C'mon! A fuckin'... Cactus!! Heehee!"

**_But I have taken control of your sister... and sent your little friends to eternal sleep! And I can do the same to you... but I want to see you suffer first! The only way you will survive is to kill your sister! Ahah!_** Kodo rolled her eyes.

"I really get sick of these villains that 'just want to watch you suffer before you die!'... that shit really pisses me off because I've seen it so much, it's gotten boring!" While she said this, she had made her way over to the evil giant cactus. Ignoring all the thorns it spewed at her she swiftly bashed it into a pulp... kind of like that one episode of that one anime!

Telope blinked and shook her head.

"What is happen?" She asked, stumbling toward Kodo. Telope stared at all the cactus thorns stabbing into Kodo. "Did the cactus get you?"

"Here's your sign..." Kodo muttered, walking over to the waking men on the floor. She smirked at Sanzo, who was particularly wasted. "Guess I was the one saving YOU!" Sanzo gave her the most malicious look he could muster.

"Yeah, and almost got killed yourself... you couldn't even keep a stupid cactus from stabbing you all over..." He mumbled.

"It doesn't hurt at all!" Kodo puffed out her chest proudly. "It's just a few measly thorns!"

Telope regained her usual level of lucidity, ran over to Kodo, and poked one of the bigger thorns sticking out of her side. Kodo screamed and grit her teeth as tears spurted out of her eyes.

"Kodo is tough guy who cries! And is girl! Heehee!" Telope is amused so easily...


	4. Drinky Drinks

It was one of those wounds where it looked like, if you poked it, puss would squirt out. Kodo traced her fingers along the sickly-yellow ring that surrounded the wound in her side. It looked like a nasty giant bug bite... and she was covered with them.

"Ah! Damn it!" Kodo hissed in pain. Hakkai was cleaning one of the larger one's on her arm. He just smiled and rubbed twice as hard.

"I know you don't mean that! I'll bet you didn't even make a sound when you were _receiving_ these injuries!" He began to wrap it up. Kodo glared at him.

"Yeah, but that's different! That was in the heat of battle!" Kodo joked. Telope sat in the corner, giggling.

"Why is you need bandage, Kodo-oneesama?" Telope asked. Her voice sounded even more childish than ever when she asked questions. Kodo thought for a moment.

"Well... Cactus needles hurt like fuck!" She smiled, nodding her head with conviction. Telope cocked her head.

"But you gets stabbed in the face and impaled through the torso so much, doesn't that hurts more?" Kodo shook her head.

"You would know, Tel-chan... you're the one that gets impaled through the heart all the time!" Telope blinked for a few seconds.

"Oh yeah! Me forgets, sometimes..." She looked down. Hakkai finished bandaging Kodo, and she jumped up off the chair.

"So where is every body?" She asked very chipper.

"You should know... Goku is always hungry!" Hakkai motioned towards the door. Telope hopped outside and all the way to the restaurant across the street, singing happily in a language that only she understood. Kodo walked after her, smiling nostalgically. She shook herself, though, realizing that a twenty-six year old was making her think of the simple childhood years.

After the incident with the cactus last night, Kodo had plenty of time to listen what really happened on the way to town.

"It seems that cactus had psychic powers and was controlling us." Hakkai said. "I woke up and it made me walk all the way to that chamber it was living in."

"I didn't wake up at all! It totally wiped my mind!" Goku added. Everyone stared at him for a few moments then laughed at the thought that there was any mind to wipe.

"So... That's why I woke up with a headache...?" Kodo asked.

"Actually, I stepped on your face..." Sanzo replied.

"I thought you said the cactus didn't control you...?" Gojyo asked.

"It didn't." There was an uncomfortable pause. "Anyway, I followed you guys down there, and when I got there the cactus just put me to sleep."

"The cactus told Telope to burn things... but the torches no worked so me asked it if me could stab instead, and he say 'Sure!'" Telope's smile faded slowly when everyone gave her a terrified look... except for Kodo, who was used to this sort of thing.

"Well... I guess that was pretty interesting, huh?" Kodo asked, not wanting the silence to continue.

"My question would be why was that thing so easy to kill?" Sanzo asked.

"It was only a chapter 3 demon, Sanzo! It didn't stand a chance!" Hakkai replied.

"Huh?"

"Nothing..."

Kodo sat down heavily on the wooden chair. She sighed and glanced around. Gojyo was playing cards with some creepy dude. Kodo jumped when Telope suddenly appeared behind him.

"What does two sixes means?" She asked, staring intently at his hand. Kodo's eyes widened and she tried to pull Telope away from him. Telope fought back and there was an awkward struggle until Kodo grabbed Telope's ear. She was immediately pacified. Kodo looked down and saw Gojyo putting his face on the table.

"Damn... I've been on a loosing streak ever since I met you two!" He stood up and pointed an accusing finger at them, frustrated. Kodo was about to assume a fighting stance when one of her wounds popped open.

"GAHH!" She cried, tipping over. "Err... those cactus thorns hurt like hell! I need a drink!" Gojyo sighed and laughed. Hakkai, Goku and Sanzo walked in just as Kodo was getting up.

"You're just in time!" Gojyo hailed them. "Kodo had a wonderful idea. How about we celebrate a healthy recover with a couple (dozen) rounds of drinks!"

"Wouldn't that be kind of _un_healthy?" Hakkai asked.

"Nonsense! Have a seat! Drinks are on Sanzo!" Gojyo ushered them to a table. Telope's eyes suddenly widened.

"Is... we... DRINKING???" She cried happily. "I LOVES you guys!"

And... the first round!

"Well... this is nice!" Kodo said to Telope. She nodded in approval.

"Just to let you know, I'm not going to take the rap for the underage drinkers, ok?" Hakkai warned, chugging his first glass.

And the fifth round!

"Koduu...uneesama! We has nu done this fur lung time!" Telope laughed, licking the glass clean.

"Nope we hasn't... ahaha! I just talked like you!" Kodo started giggling abnormally.

"Z...z...z..." Oh! Goku's out!

And the tenth round!

"You can't... just decide whether I am... sexually active or not! That's MY decision... just keep the fuck away from me! I have a gun!" Sanzo pulled out his gun, fiddling with the barrel.

"You so... wasted!" Kodo sniffled, shaking her head. Telope jumped up on the table, pouring another glass down her throat. She set it down and started to undo her top.

"Is hut in hur!" She said. Kodo jumped onto the table, too.

"Nuuu! Don't!" She cried. Gojyo laughed and clapped his hands.

"Yeah! Take it off!" He whistled. Telope gave him a vacant look, then looked back at Kodo, starting to lift up her shirt.

"DON'T!" Kodo tackled her onto the floor, trying to pull her shirt back down with her reduced dexterity, often missing and poking her in the face.

"But ee wants me to does!" Telope cried, smacking Kodo in the face. Kodo yelled.

"Dun't lissen to 'im! He's gonna getchuu!" Kodo grabbed Telope's arms, but she was fighting her off.

'oow! gerroff! ahhh! duuun't!' For about five minutes, Telope and Kodo wrestled on the floor. Gojyo watched grinning and laughing.

"Gojyo... are you doing what I think you're doing...?" Hakkai asked, afraid to know the answer.

"Uh... Kinda..."

"Dude! SICK!" Goku got his second wind! Sanzo sat with his head propped up on his hands on the table, staring off into the great blue yonder. With all the smoke around him, and the glass of beer next to him, he looked like he could've been on a Cowboy Bebop wall scroll.

Finally the struggle was over and the two were passed out on the floor, Telope's feet in Kodo's face... Not in the most dignified positions. Finally, Hakkai sighed and stood up slowly, and looked around. All the other customers had left, and the bartender looked like he was about to fall asleep himself.

"Fuck if I'M gonna clean this mess up..." He pushed in his chair and walked out the door.


End file.
